I'm trying to be a happy person, but it never last for long.

Why should I have to hide my love for Leba while Tsenre flaunts his lust for all these other girls? And then says I over react to everything all the time?
Allow me to explain.

Today, I logged into my Facebook to see that he, Tsenre, had liked a picture of a girl. This wasn't a normal picture. She was wearing a sports bra and panties with an open hoodie. How was I to react? I'd basically just witnessed my "boyfriend" looking at another girls body and liking what he saw. I felt disrespected. I always feel disrespected by him.

He is nosy and constantly goes through my phone, forcing me to delete images of Leba. And maybe I understand that, since I am his girlfriend and it may seem off that I have so many pictures of this one guy. But it infuriates me that I am unable to hold onto these images of the man I love (although Tsenre doesn't know that), while he, Tsenre gets to drool all over these other girls!
His excuse?: 'You act like I kissed her yesterday or something.'
I know that I am not crazy to have complained about this. He has disrespected me, therefore I am angry.

When he said: 'I'm really tired of your reaction to shit...I don't need this shit today take it somewhere else' I wanted to rip my computer apart. My hands were shaking with anger while I tried to type back. How dare he make me delete what I love most, while he gets to run around and lust after all these other bitches!!!! If he were sitting next to me, he wouldn't have dared to say something as bold as that, because he would be afraid of me.

It's not like I get so angry about it because I am madly in love with Tsenre, because I am not. I love Leba. I guess what really sets me off is the level of disrespect.

On June 18th, 2011 my best friend of about nine years graduated from high school. And with that graduation, came the sudden realization to me that this was it.
She was going to be leaving me, this time for real. And that is unbelievable.

As we all sat in the car, driving away from the church and towards her celebration dinner, it hit me like the most violent thought to ever suddenly attack my mind.

'You know, she really is leaving. This is really it. She'll be going off to college and you will have to stay here, at least for a little while, but nonetheless, you will be here and she will be there.'
"What do you mean? That's so unnatural. It's not true, we will stay here."
'No, just you. So get use to it. You'll have to find someone new to call your best friend, until you can get to California for your future and your friend."

With these thoughts completed, my finally thought was "God, what are you doing?"

I was shocked even more by this single thought. How did I dare to question the doings of God for whatever plan He was working. Did this mean I wasn't trusting Him anymore, the same Vision I had trusted to letting me see my future and wanting to work towards it?
I quietly apologized and turned my music up louder through my headphones, trying to concentrate on fighting back the tears of realizing how lonely I was soon going to be.

'Of course these things are never fun, but it means nothing. You'll get there. Of course, you'll get there.'
"But I'll get there too late. In two years? Why two years? Why not now? Why am I always so unfortunate? Why must I always get what's left, never am I able to expediences something when it's truly desirable."
'Bringing you're mood down will only keep you down. Maybe you will leave in one year. Who says you need two years here. Do well, keep daydreaming and one day you'll blink and realize, you're there.'

To be without is to be forgotten. So I guess I will try not to think of myself as being without anymore. I don't want to be forgotten, I won't be forgotten.

It's like I've been slowly waking from a dream, but fighting to stay asleep.
As each day passes and I go without, I'm begin to realize how child like and fantasy our relationship was.
I want that back.
But as my reality once again become conscious, I am faced with the fact that I may never get that back.
Have I tainted my future?
Am I forever to be without?
Will I always be missing that piece of me?
I'm fighting to stay asleep, to reconnect with our dream world.
I don't want to ever wake up from the reality we created.

It's official: I am in misery. I haven't talked to him since early september and when my birthday came, it passed without a 'happy birthday' from him, pretty much the only happy birthday wish I wanted. I got so desperate to hear from him, that I texted him a hello, hoping maybe he would suddenly remember and at least reply to wish me a happy birthday, if not to say anything else. But he didn't and so I am left to assume that yes, he is angry with me. Or perhaps he is just dealing with bigger issues right now? I'd rather that to assume than the thought of him being disgusted or angry with me.
For now I will end this here.

"그래서 한껏 울 수 있던 날
아무런 말 아무런 이유도 모른 채 널 보냈던 날"

As of late, I've been feeling very, very without. I'd hate for all my journal entry post on here to be melancholy, but unfortunately that's just how I've felt.

The first reason for my feeling this way is because I miss being abel to talk to him every weekend or I miss receiving his cherished texts ever so often, that make my heart skip beats with every word. I miss him being cheerful and calling me by that name that he, and he alone can call me "백".
Another reason for my feeling without is due to the summer having fade away and I no longer being able to go out as much to see James or anyone else really. But that is the least of my troubles, since I got to see him today.

Speaking of the summer, I miss being able to wake up and go to bed whenever I want. At first, I blamed school for taking that away for me, but then I realized: Even after I graduate from high school this year I will still have to wake up at certain times to do things, like college or when I get a job. That is simply depressing XD
Why can't we all just do whatever we want, whenever we want in life and still be productive and successful?

Meh, and now I've lost my concentration with writing this entry. I can't focus so I'll end it here.

"So I could cry all day
Without any words, without any reasons, I let you go
That day became the saddest day ever in my memory"

"They say change is a fundamental part of the human heart, but darling your soul, it will continue to shine so kindly, because I love you."

I want to take a break from writing about my summer, to communicate how deeply embarrassed I am at the moment.
I know that having an online journal doesn't guarantee privacy at all, and that if there was something I truly wanted to write about, but didn't want anyone to see or know about, then perhaps the internet is not the best place to post it, even with privacy settings in place.
And, I don't feel that I've written about anything too vulgar that could possibly ruin me for society, no, I feel that I've embarrassed myself in the eyes of one person, that person's who's eyes I never wanted to travel across the words of my online journal.

'Why?'
Because he is in the words of my writings.
'And?'
And because also within the words of my online entries, I'd perhaps been hiding things from him.
'Like what?'
Like relationships or or the way I've felt.

It's hard to explain but I feel like I have to. I guess I'll try to explain it as best I can.

Yesterday while out shopping for my back to school art supplies with James, I received a precious text message, one that would lead to the topic of livejournal and the discovery that I had one.
'What's your live journal name?'
"I'll tell you later."
'Why?'
"There are somethings I need to check."

Jokes were made about what I could possibly want to "check" on my livejournal before letting him read what was written on my web page. I was instantly in a rush to get home to change some privacy settings. But when I realized that I wouldn't be home until much later, I decided to go ahead and give him my livejournal name, but not without conditions.
"Alright, It's 'reila_reborn' but you can't check it before I do."
'Alright.' he agreed, and I believed him because my trust for him would not falter.

He later joked of how he wouldn't be abel to check it when he got home anyway and could just run to the library to check it now if he wanted to.
"No! That's cheating!" I'd protested playfully, I really didn't want him to do that, not before I had the chance to hide anything I needed to. And he said he wouldn't, I trusted these words without a second thought.
This he said at 4:27p.m and at 4:31p.m I stopped receiving text messages from him.
At the time I thought nothing of it. I went home around 8. got online and changed my privacy settings, and that was that... I thought.

The next morning I awoke to find a text from him that he'd sent at 12:31 a.m. stating: 'I lied and actually went to the library before you made the changes.'
No 'lol' no shocked face. Nothing. Just those few words and that was it.
Since waking up and reading that, I have been constantly freaking out in my mind, even now as I type all this in.

"Why did he lie to me? I would have never even thought he would actually go the library and read it, after telling me he wouldn't."
'Well, you aren't exactly in the right either you know.' My inner voice spoke to me.
"Well... yeah, but.." I wasn't sure what to think.
'You hid this from him, what you wrote in Hwa Bun. You lied to him to, so you can't be mad at him for reading it.'
"That's true, but I wouldn't ever want him to find out something like that from something like this."
'Then you should have told him right away. He's told you more than once that you can tell him anything. And you told him that you agreed with that. So why did you try to hide it all from him?'
"I was waiting for the right time to tell him. I guess I just wasn't ready for him to know."

In the morning I rolled over, waking myself from my sleep and reached for my phone, as I do every morning. After reading his text, I just sat there. staring at the phone in disbelief and pure horror. I tried to think about what I should write, and in the end all I could reply was: ",_, my mind has just gone blank." I rather wish I'd written something more than that, but that's honestly how I felt at the moment.
Now I'm waiting desperately for his text message in reply. But what will I say? I'm not good at stuff like this, confronting something.

What will he say? 'Lilly, why didn't you tell me all this? Why did you lie to me before?'

What will I do? I am really quite horrible when put in situations like this. I want to say that I will tell him why and that I will defend my reasons for it. But I know that actually I will probably by shy about it, while constantly repeating in my head "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry" and trying to think of ways to make it right.

Will he forgive me? Or will he say that he realizes our "relationship" isn't quite right and that we should maybe "take a break" from each other so that we can clear our heads. This I hope not to be true.
Or will he perhaps tell me something different? Something I wouldn't mind hearing at all, and something I could tell him back, knowing that when I say it to him, I mean it to be true without a doubt in my mind.

In the end, I know that I am in the hot seat here, not him. Even if I didn't want him to read Hwa Bun, even if I'd actually managed to hide it before he could read it, I would still be wrong for hiding it from him.
If we do get to talk about it, I think I will try my best to tell him whatever else I may be hiding from him.

But one thing's for sure, I do still believe There's Always The Future.

Yet again i have proven to myself that i must be a little fool. Two days ago i was basically dumped my boyfriend of about 3 months because he "has to deal with some personal issues and doesn't want anyone to get hurt by it." When i asked what things it could possibly be all he replied was that he had to "burn some bridges, etc.." He even asked me to wait for him, my answer is quite simply no.

Now you may think me cruel as i often do myself but please allow me to finish y story. I never really ever bothered him with text messages or frequent calls everyday, and the only time i'd ever be able to see him was on the weekends IF he wasn't too busy with his college work, so i was a bit confused of why i had to be pushed away in order for him to feel safe. But this was all later secretly explained to me by one of his friends and this explanation led me to not forgive me ex and i refuse to ever date him again. He did not kill anyone, he didn't ever abuse me, no, he did something worse. He sold his soul to the devil. I'm not sure how one goes about doing this but it matters not. I don't want to speak to him again and i will not wait for him.

Yet, i can not help but to wonder why he did it. Was it to get me to love him more? (i honestly did not love him and told him this which he would take in a joking manner.) Was it for him to be better in school? Improve the wealth of his family? Or was it to get rid of the guy he knows that i really like? Whatever the reason it is stupid. The devil is a liar and now that he "has his soul" who's to say that his sinful wish will be granted. If he wanted something done with a nearly 100% guarantee that it will happen, he should have turned to God for it. And even if it took 50 years to come true it's better then losing your soul. As my friend often likes to repeat to me "what good is a man if he gains the world but loses his soul?" Or.... something like that.

I'm honesty a little afraid of me possibly, quite possibly, seeing him again. Will he try to pull me into the darkness with him? I must be such a little fool to have again involved myself in a relationship where i am dumped and where the guy turns out to have some problems or another personality that i know nothing about. i'll pray that something like this doesn't happen to me again in the near or far future. But there is al least one thing that this little fool can always remember and pray won't be impeded by the devil and that is that "there's always the future."

Yup, after two entries of how much i hate school and my classmates, i'm happy to say that i had the best weekend ever thanks to one peticular person ^///^. I'm obviously not going to get detailed but I'm just going to post this quick little entry and rant about being happy. Here's go:

Happy, happy, happy, Happy, happy, happy, Happy, happy, happy, Happy, happy, happy, Happy, happy, happy, Happy, happy, happy, Happy, happy, happy, Happy, happy, happy, Happy, happy, happy, Happy, happy, happy, Happy, happy, happy, Happy, happy, happy, Happy, happy, happy, Happy, happy, happy, Happy, happy, happy, Happy, happy, happy, Happy, happy, happy, Happy, happy, happy, Happy, happy, happy, Happy, happy, happy, Happy, happy, happy, Happy, happy, happy, Happy, happy, happy, Happy, happy, happy, Happy, happy, happy!

Wow, now it looks like i've spelled happy wrong because i've written it so much 0.0
Goodnight! I'm such a creep xD

 I thought of this in response to a question that a teacher had asked me and my fellow peers, asking how could she help us and for us to send her an email about any question we may have so that she could give us her advice. I didn't tell her what i was thinking (because then they would try to lock me away) but here it is: